Presented by
Pastor Rich & Merridith Cho
1.26.2007
I. Introduction
A. Greetings & Welcome
B. Opening Disclaimer
• Acknowledge sensitivity of topic for some, due to past experiences of…
---Legalism—i.e. strict adherence to religious, rule-oriented living
---Antinomianism—i.e. no rules or guidelines whatsoever
• Both extremes are like ditches & hindrances to godly living
And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness. The unclean will
not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way; wicked fools will not go
about on it. (Is 35:8, NIV)
• Our intention is to open up lines of communication & offer insights, with the hope that
greater balance, understanding, and healthy relationships would result.
C. Overview of Meeting Agenda
• List goals to be covered
• Provide telescoping audience subsets
---Humanity, American society, Bible Belt/Churched, Born-Again
---Lordship Commitment of Love Life (target)
II. Debunking the Myth of the Curse of Singleness
A. “Curse of Singleness” Myth Prevalent in…
• Pop culture (e.g. “Bridget Jones Diary”)
• Church culture (e.g. stigma surrounding singles ministries)
• Southern culture (e.g. “old maid” label)
• Family culture (e.g. parental disappointment/pressure, sibling rivalries/competition)
B. Etiology (Origins) of Myth
• Greek (pagan) root—cf. Aristophanes (i.e. Zeus’ punishment of man)
--- Searching for my “other half”
--- e.g. “You complete me” (Jerry Maguire)
C. Biblical Principle—i.e. the “Blessing of Singleness”
• Completeness from our identification with Jesus:
For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been
made complete… (Col 2:9-10, NAS)
• Biblical validation for singleness as a LIFE STYLE
I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has
this gift, another has that. (1 Cor 7:7, NIV)
--- Singleness is here referred to as a type of “gift”.
--- Therefore, singleness is a viable alternative to marriage & should be honored
and celebrated by the church.
• Blessing of singleness as a LIFE STAGE
An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord.
But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his
wife—and his interests are divided. (1 Cor 7:32-34, NIV)
---For most of us, our seasons of singleness are a limited commodity; for better
or for worse, our days as bachelors are numbered.
---Therefore, let us renounce the lie that our seasons of singleness are a holding
pattern to be endured, but rather, as strategic opportunities to be capitalized
upon.
---The times and seasons of singleness in our lives afford us some distinct
privileges in terms of time, emotional energy, opportunities for personal growth,
and financial resources.
III. Defining Terms
A. Date
• A social appointment set for a particular time (cf. www.dictionary.com)
B. Dating/Courtship
• A commitment by two people to the process of getting to know one another exclusively
for the purpose of determining if it is God’s will for them to enter into the covenant of
marriage.
C. Secret Dating
• Not private (private is good)
• Rather, the problem is dishonesty with yourself or one another—i.e. not being open to
input from other trusted individuals.
• Beware: we all have blind spots.
D. Marriage
• The metaphor of Christ and His bride—the church—Is the best picture we have in
Scripture to understand the marriage relationship.
• Christ gave up His life for His bride, and His bride gave up her life for Him.
---You marry at an altar. What are altars used for? …sacrifice
---Marriage is about giving yourself fully to another, not about taking.
---Scripture is clear: it is better to give than to receive.
---Why? Because in giving, you also receive.
IV. Navigating Singleness Successfully
A. Pursue wholeness—i.e. “Unpack your own bags.”
• Take the time to look “under the hood” and deal with your own baggage.
• You won’t be perfect before you marry, but be willing to go through the process of
healing, maturing, & building your character.
B. Cultivate friendships that can carry over into your marriage.
• e.g. “When Harry Met Sally” truism—i.e. men & women cannot be best
friends…outside of marriage
• Plug Men’s Ministry, Men’s Fraternity, Women’s Bible Study, Young Women’s Forum,
etc.
C. Capitalize on the Advantages/Opportunities of the Season (of Singleness)
• You have more discretionary time now to invest yourself in cultivating hobbies, honing
skills, serving in ministry, traveling, developing your career, etc.
D. Show yourself to be trustworthy
• Commitment to the Lordship of Jesus Christ
• Commitment to purity—heart, soul, & body
V. Demystification & Permission to Date
A. It is OK to date.
• Dating is not synonymous with engagement.
• One, two, or even three dates is not necessarily “dating,” because the key is the
exclusivity inherent in the dating commitment.
B. You don’t have to know if they are “the one” before you start dating.
• The process of discovery is the central purpose of dating.
C. By being in community, you have the opportunity to observe and get to know your object of interest in ways that you wouldn’t otherwise.
• e.g. X-events, X-service, life groups, etc.
D. You don’t need a word (or other preauthorization) from God to date, but you do need to be
honest with God, with yourself, and with your love interest.
E. Created to bond- Gen 2:
F. Establish proper commitment before sharing commensurate levels of intimacy—emotional &
physical.
G. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Prov 18:22, NAS)
• Scripture implies that a search is involved; effort is to be exerted and an investment is
to be made.
H. Context for dating: “Do not covet (desire wrongfully) your neighbor’s wife.”
• Until you are both convinced (and married), she is your neighbor’s wife.
VI. Establishing Ministry Culture & Practical Application
A. Healthy Male Initiation
• Make your intentions known from the start.
B. Honest Female Response
• Let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no.
• Resist temptation to play mind games, and be clear & kind.
C. Zero Tolerance for Seduction
• Reserve sanctified romance until the appropriate time—i.e. as icing on the cake—after
commitment is established.
D. Affection
• Appropriate levels—i.e. graduated escalation
• Clear communication on front end
• Principle: intimacy (spiritual, emotional, physical) follows commitment
E. What to…
• Aim for:
---Honest, upfront communication of your interest
---Making your intentions known
---Giving invitations—i.e. something to respond to
---Guarding your own heart and being vigilant over your conscience—i.e.
ownership of boundaries
• Avoid:
---Over-spiritualization—e.g. “God told me…you’re my wife/husband, so we
should date.”
---Mind games, emotional manipulation, or leading the other person on
---Using the other person to stroke your own ego
---Denial
******Not owning up to your romantic desires & pretending to be “just friends”
****** Not acknowledging your lack of romantic feelings but enjoying “friendship with benefits” anyway
F. Value of Seeking Godly Counsel
